It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything to this blog. Partially I think because I couldn’t be honest to all of you if I wasn’t being honest with myself and the last thing I wanted for a long time was to face the cold hard truth. That’s the scary thing about the truth, with one swift kick it can knock you straight on your butt. At least, that’s what it did to me. 2016 was a year of trials. A year of makeups and break ups and bumps and bruises. There were days where I felt God so clearly and days where I forgot that I was His daughter.
But I promise that 2017 is my year of honesty and so here is the most honest thing I have ever written…
Last night, I cried. Hard. The kind where you can’t breathe and you look like a Kim Kardashian meme, that kind of cry. You see January 14th holds a part of me that I have never been proud of. 3 years ago yesterday, I felt so alone in this world that I tried to make it all quiet. I took whatever I could get my hands on. Vicodin, muscle relaxers, pain pills, they were all in my stomach. I remember losing my sight first. Everything went black for a little, and I remember thinking. “You do not want this.” So there I am, laying on the floor of my bedroom, desperately trying to make myself puke in hopes that it’ll just go away. Telling my parents was the hardest part. Looking them in the eye and begging for help, still takes the breath out of my lungs.
I had seemed fine. I was a good student. I had good grades. But how sneaky the devil is when he convinces you that you are not worth what God has planned for you. Because that’s what they tell you isn’t it? All of those people that look at you differently when you tell them you’re depressed or anxious. “Well sweetie, God has a plan for you.” or “God has so much in store for you, He has amazing things in your future.” *Insert Jeremiah 29:11* But when you’re already down, satan will convince you that none of those things matter. That you are not worth anything God could ever have set for you. So we never told my extended family about my anxiety. Didn’t speak a word about the attempt to take my own life, and I felt ashamed.
Fast forward 3 years later an the word of the year at church is Honor. I took some time talking to God about Honor and putting Him first and Honoring my parents and my family and my church. And I heard clear as day, “I created you.” I mean at first I was like… 3 words home skillet that’s all you’re going to leave me with. But I thought about it… I have spent my whole life ashamed of who I am. Ashamed of being HONEST with myself or anyone around me, purely out of the fear that the devil had implanted in my heart. I am not Honoring God by being ashamed of myself. He created me. He is not ashamed of me. He made me in His image. I am His daughter. Honor Him by loving myself instead of dwelling on the lies the devil has told me.
And y’all when I tell you I felt like I had a burden lifted off my shoulders when I finally figured all of that out, I am not lying. And just for some validation, by the grace of God yesterday on the 3 year anniversary of one of the worst days I’ve had, I got this text from a daily reminder I am subscribed to:
“But my scars only have meaning because of His.
Isaiah 53:5.. By His wounds, we are healed.
My scars are constant reminders of when whatever tried to break me, failed. My scars tell a story, and so do yours. My friend, out of suffering and darkness emerge the strongest souls. Hope this can encourage you whether it’s in your darkness tonight, or in the dawn of a new day tomorrow.”
I mean let that sink in for a second… “My scars only have meaning because of His.” When you stop HONORING His sacrifice, you forget that your own battles and sacrifices hold meaning.
So it’s 3 years later, and my life is so different than it used to be. I am not ashamed of my past because it is a vital part of my story. It has brought me closer to God than I ever could’ve come to bring myself. There are still dark days, don’t get me wrong. Days where I don’t want to leave my bed. But I am still thankful because on those days, I have the power and the word of God on my side. So I will Honor Him in continuing to love the strong willed woman that he created me to be. Even on my bad days. Even on my dark days. I will love myself even more. Because I AM a child of God and I am not ashamed.