Spiritual Gold Digger

No, this post is not about Kanye West nor his feud with Taylor Swift. I’m sorry to disappoint. It is rather, a post about your relationship with God and the place you stand with him.

I thought about this upon reading a book I stumbled upon in Half Price Books one day called, “Angry Conversations with God”. In this wonderful book (Go read it.. seriously.. I picked it up for $2)… the main character Susan, goes to couples counseling with God. Boy does she need it. The book is overcome with all kinds of sarcasm, greed, misfortune, and heartbreak. But when I got to thinking what made me any different, I couldn’t fathom up an answer.

The main purpose comes to a head towards the end of the book when Susan gets mad at God for not giving her the life she wanted and prayed for. The problem was she felt more entitlement from God than intimacy. Suddenly, she can’t hear his voice anymore, she loses her job, her boyfriend, and finds herself with no one. Do you ever remember being small and begging your parents for something and getting no as an answer? I could whine, complain, and give my parents the cold shoulder for hours until I was blue in the face. Why? Because I thought I had DESERVED what I wanted.

Maybe you’re a little like Susan. If you came into this marriage with God because you thought his purpose for you was power, money, and glory… you my friend are a spiritual gold digger. I promise I’m not trying to hurt your feelings, and I don’t want to step on any toes. But do you really think you are so holy as to tell your Lord how to do his job?! If you are sitting there whining and pouting because He’s not giving you what you think He’s promised, are you saying you are holier and wiser than He?

If that’s you and that’s the God you married. Divorce him. WHAT? Divorce God? What is she sayin I thought this was a spiritual blog?! It is. I encourage you to be an active follower of Christ. But you’ve married Him for the wrong reasons, and you can not seek His love when it is not everything you want from Him. So step back and marry God because He is love. Marry Him and make disciples. BE a disciple.

I’m not saying that in your relationship with Him that you won’t find yourself calling out, asking what in the heck is going on in your life. I’m not saying you won’t feel like everything in your life has been burnt to ashes. I’m not saying that there will be days you will call on God and you will not hear a voice back. I am saying actively seek the Lord for who He is not what you want from him.

In the book they discuss how easy it is to get angry at God in the “Dark Night’s of the Soul”. How frustrating to feel like God wants us to climb a mountain after he has just burnt down our home and left us all alone. I heard a pastor one time use the analogy of cinder blocks, and it’s one that will always live in my mind. When we sin, or ignore God, or walk away from time to time, we start to build these heavy cinder blocks up into a wall. And it’s not that God is getting farther away from us or walking away, it’s that we have built this wall so high we can’t hear him as well anymore. We start to believe that maybe He just isn’t listening. BUT MY DEAR FRIEND NO. YOU hold the power to break down that wall.

I know it’s frustrating to feel all alone but the same God who breathed life into the valley of dust and dry bones and breathed new life will breathe life back into YOU. I know because I too have had my fair share of dark night’s of the soul. But trust me when I tell you that taking a sledge hammer to your cinder block wall will be the best decision you ever made. He is there with his arms wide open. *cue Hillsong Worship Song*

Trust in the Lord because He is the creator. Sometimes His plan may not be what you want for yourself, but actively seek Him anyway. He knows what’s good for you more than you do, remember that. Do not whine when you don’t get what you want, what He wants for you is much greater than what you could’ve planned or yourself. Put Him before it all.

“The climactic moment is: Am I going to trust God when there is nothing else? Will I go up to the top of the mountain even if there is no trail?”
“So are you going to go up the mountain?” Andrea asked.
“I have to ! I’d rather die on the mountain than lie around in Death Valley.”
“How will you know it’s God when you see him?”
“I’ll know him from every dream I’ve dreamed, every conversation I’ve imagined. I’ll know him by every longing for love or rumor of beauty; it will be there right on his face.”
“How do you know you’ll get there?”
“Because there’s nowhere else I want to go.”

– Angry Conversations with God by Susan Isaacs

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I may be Weak

I’ve deleted this post 4 times now. Backspaced until I’ve refreshed my own screen, because although I am not comfortable with sharing, God won’t let me pipe down. I don’t feel like enough people talk about these problems in the church. Personally, I feel that a lot of Christians think that if you are a spiritual person and you have God as your “ride or die” if you will, that you shouldn’t have these feelings at all.

If you haven’t guessed by now, I’m talking about anxiety and depression. If you’re about to exit out because “ew gross.. no one wants to read anything depressing”, I encourage you to hold your horses and listen. If you’re someone who is struggling, I encourage you to write down the scripture I’m about to share with you and never forget that you are NOT alone.

If you’re still reading this, I want you to know that it’s okay to “walk through the valley of darkness” from time to time. My senior year of high school, I don’t remember feeling much of anything except guilt. I felt SO guilty. How could I feel so inadequate when I was created in His image? I couldn’t even be a “good” Christian in my own eyes. It was hard to feel that I could tell anyone at church because I felt that my feelings were invalid. Have you ever expressed your sadness to someone and they responded with “well you shouldn’t feel that way”? Doesn’t do much for you, does it? Well it didn’t for me. I sank and sank, until I was begging God to take my life. A lot like Elijah in 1 Kings 19. If you aren’t familiar read for yourself,

“Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there. Then he went alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am not better than my ancestors who have already died.”

How powerful those words are to me. Elijah fell asleep after his prayer and woke up to bread and water from God. He wasn’t finished with him yet, and he isn’t finished with you. Sometimes we all just need a reminder that we have a purpose on this Earth and this is yours. God isn’t finished with you yet, you are so much more than you could ever know in his eyes.

JESUS EXPERIENCED THIS FEELING TOO. Matthew 26:38 “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death.” TO THE POINT OF DEATH? How assuring to know that the Jesus has been in our shoes, that we aren’t so different after all?

If you’re struggling and you can’t find the light trust that God sees you struggling and he will not give you anything you cannot handle. On top of that, if you are continually struggling, do not be ashamed to seek help. And do me a favor, please don’t add guilt to your heavy burdens. You are not alone in this, and you will never be. Being sad or anxious does not make you any less of a Christian. It’s a fact of life that we will feel brokenness  in this broken world. Just remember if you feel like you can’t stand on your own two feet, His hands are always open to help you back up. You just have to trust in Him. You are so beautiful my darling, so let me leave you with this….

Psalm 73:21-26

“Then I realized that my heart was bitter,
and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant-
I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health my fail, and mu spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.”

peace and blessings XOXO